The Dance of the Ego

"The ego is constantly trying to figure out what page it's on in the story of itself. Close the book. Burn the bookmark. End of story. Now the dancing begins." -from Wake Up Now by Stephen Bodian

One of the reasons I so cherish my yoga practice is that I practice with a very talented teacher who never lets us students forget that yoga is at least as much a study in meditation and philosophy as it is about the physical poses. We often begin class with a poem or quotation, that we might consider its significance throughout the class.

This particular quotation resonates with me on quite a few levels. About a year or so ago, I began to feel disappointment about not being more accomplished in my life, particularly in my career. When I was in high school (yes, I'm about to reveal that I reached my peak in high school and have experienced a precipitious decline ever since!), I was top of my class academically and generally a supreme go-getter. Much of that was superficial; I took tests well and dutifully turned in work on time, but I didn't necessarily have the inner desire for knowledge or an ability to think critically or respond in any meaningful way to the material I studied. I made a big decision when I choose to go to a lesser-tier college instead of the more prestigious ones I was accepted to attend. I chose to attend Earlham College because I thought I would develop social consciousness and a more global perspective. I don't know how I knew these things were important to me, but I'm going to be generous and give my young 17 year old self some credit for being wiser than she thought at the time.

That decision was just the first of many decisions I've since made where I opted for a pleasant and balanced quality of life over a more rigorous, status-generating way of being. I've worked exclusively in low-paying jobs in the nonprofit sector, I studied social work in graduate school. I currently work in a junior capacity raising funds for a nonprofit healthcare clinic and while I am a smart, effective worker, I don't bust my chops working overtime or devote 100% of my best brain cells to my job. I do, however, enjoy my work and my life overall. That is critical to this discussion.

Over the past few years, however, I realized that I still held this notion of myself as a Type A go-getter, when the reality of my life experience thus far very much belies this image. In choosing to become a mother, I made the conscious decision to focus even less on career advancement. And when I really think about it, I'm not convinced that I would like the pressures and responsibilities that come from more executive level work positions. But the long-held-yet-unexamined expectation for myself to be a leader and to hold positions of power and prestige has lingered on. It is undoubtably the work of my ego and I'm not quite ready to let the image go for good. For now, I am just observing the internal wrestling match between my drive for professional recognition and status and my contentment with being content.