Three Weeks In

Family of Four + Grandma Joy

We're three weeks now as a family of four. It's been as hard at moments and as wonderful at other moments as I expected it to be. Everyone's healthy for now and happy at least some of the time. Newborn crying jags are really hard on my nerves but at least this go-round I know that they will pass and soon.

We've had some rough days of totally wretched behavior from Noah but we are back on a normal schedule and he's been much more pleasant to be around the last couple of days. He loves Ezra, lights up when he sees him, invites all his preschool mates and teachers to see Ezra in the carrier at pick-up, asks to hold, "hug" (this looks like a stranglehold to the casual observer) and be around him all the time (including when he's sound asleep-argh!).

Many times I've wished Noah would just leave Ezra alone. I have to hold my tongue at moments and remind myself of the higher good here (to help Noah view Ezra as a positive addition to our family), but man, he's all elbows and loudness! I heard myself spewing a string of negative, harsh comments to Noah one night ("Please leave the baby alone; he's sleeping-Please be quieter; why are you shouting?-If you are going to fight me about brushing your teeth, I'll just shut off the light and you can go to sleep on your own..."); I realized I was fixated on the thought of how much easier life would be if Noah would just go away. Uggh, how ugly-that's no way to treat my beloved child. It's so easy to go the low road when I'm tired and stressed...

To help with the stress,  I've made daily yoga a huge priority, just to undo the physical demands  of holding, wearing, nursing a newborn for so many hours of the day and night. This often looks like 5 minutes of yoga, 5 minutes of soothing the now-awake baby, 20 more minutes of yoga, etc...but I'm doing it! I've been sleeping in until 9, or even, gulp-9:30!-when we have rough nights of gassy discontentment (Ezra's, not mine). And this week, wonderful friends have begun dropping off delicious, homemade meals that get us through the last few hours of the days. Thank you, friends. I think we're gonna make it.

Ezra's Birth Story

Ezra, 1 Hour Old

Tuesday, January 24

Lots of Braxton Hicks contractions, probably 200 during the daytime. No pain but a noticeable hard belly and my poor little bladder would get wrung like a sponge with each one. This felt like a good sign that baby would be coming soon. Matthew and I went on a date, giddy with the idea that this might be our last date night in a long time.

Wednesday, January 25

From about 5-7 am, I’d awaken briefly to slightly more painful contractions (2/3 on a 1-10 scale). They weren’t enough to really awaken me but I mentioned it to Matthew and we agreed our baby might arrive today. I was grateful for having had a good night’s sleep because I knew I’d need all possible energy for labor.

We went about our days as planned, Matthew taking Noah to preschool and going to work, me picking up our bulk food order and savoring a leisurely latte at a favorite café (knowing that this also would be the last time I enjoyed this leisure activity in a very long time!). I did call Audrey, the midwife, and let my Mom know she might want to get ready for driving in from SC. Contractions were about every 8 minutes or so, just painful enough for me to pause whatever I was doing but not enough to take my breath away.

At preschool pick up, I casually mentioned to a few friends that I thought the baby might join us today or tomorrow. I felt a quiet excitement and planned to go for an afternoon woods walk to see what transpired.

I noticed a few drops of brown in my undies before leaving to meet Aura for our 2 pm walk. I let the midwife know and put on a pad. About 3 pm, I felt a gush of fluid but because we were on a semi-public path, I decided not to check for whether it was amniotic fluid or bloody show (turned out to be amniotic fluid). The contractions definitely began increasing in pain and frequency, perhaps a 3 to 4 for pain and every 6 minutes or so. We finished our walk and headed home about 3:30.

My mood went from casual to urgent the second I got home. Noah’s talking to me during a contraction was suddenly very distracting. When I saw the brown/green fluid in my pad, I called Audrey and asked Matthew to come home “within the hour.” Audrey and her assistant midwife, Edie, were on their way. I cancelled going in to work that evening. I started preparing our room by folding laundry and pulling out baby clothes/blankets/birthing supplies. I made a pot of rice into rice pudding, thinking that would be a yummy post-partum dish. I wanted the “nest” ready and now!

By 4 pm, I needed to get on all fours for contractions, moaning a deep, throaty “Ommmmmm.” Matthew texted, asking if he should pick up anything at Whole Foods, and I told him he needed to come home now.

With some of my first contractions, Noah looked very concerned and gave me a big, comforting hug. With some of the later ones, he looked more peeved, telling me to get off his TV couch and that he couldn’t hear his cartoons over my noises!

Matthew arrived home about 4:30 and began setting up the birthing tub. Edie arrived shortly thereafter and began setting up supplies. Contractions were intense now-probably a 6 to 7 in pain and coming every 3 to 4 minutes but there was a definite rest in between them. I remember calling my Mom to ask how far away she was and having to put the phone down during a contraction. Hope that wasn’t too scary for her…

Audrey arrived about 5 and made comments that we were very close to having our baby. She didn’t check me, she just knew from my noises and behavior. Gotta love midwife intuition! I was relieved to hear this because, by now, I was mostly on all fours, hugging the birthing ball and asking Matthew to apply counter pressure to my sacrum. He was managing this and a loud, chatty, curious Noah, which was difficult for him and distracting for me. I was bellowing out a deep, low “Ommmm” during contractions still and Noah mentioned that he didn’t like that noise. He also took the birthing ball away from me at one point! I had a brief dip into the birthing tub but the water was too tepid to stay for long. Got dried off and continued the hands and knees position with the birthing ball.

Matthew's Mom, Bepi, arrived about 6:00. Pain was 7 to 8 and contractions were about every 2 minutes with less and less time in between. I felt some of that hysterical fear that I couldn’t make it through. I was finding it hard to make use of the rest periods, remaining tense instead of relaxed. My low moans got higher pitched and I felt real self-doubt that I could bring this baby out. Audrey encouraged Noah to go downstairs with Grandma Bepi so I could be more focused.

By 6 pm or so, Audrey was urging me to position my tailbone more downward to the earth and push, as if with my rectum. Can I just say how surprising it was once again to realize the pushing of labor feels much more focused on a woman’s rectum than vagina? I mention it because the realization really helped me focus my body in a more fruitful way (that might be a pun). Audrey also encouraged me to stop vocalizing and instead contain all my noise and breath as part of the pushing sensation.

My Mom arrived at 6:30. I went into a deep mental state about now, realizing that I had to truly commit to bringing this baby out. I had the insight that I had been, in fact, more committed to avoiding the pain than to pushing through it, and it wasn’t going to work that way. The only way out was through. I used this insight and encouragement from everyone in the room (Audrey had called Noah and Bepi upstairs and I heard him cheering on the baby on his way up the stairs, which was hugely helpful) to push harder than I thought possible until I felt his head crown. Several pushes later, I felt his slippery body slip out with a gush of fluid. 6:43 was the time, they tell me. I collapsed with relief, in that moment, more glad to be done than curious about my baby.

We cleaned up and quickly settled on the bed to cuddle and nurse. We love each other all ready.

39 Weeks, 5 Days!

 

Dear Friends,

 We are thrilled to share that our baby boy arrived last night at 6:43 pm, safe and healthy. He weighs 8 lbs, 14 oz and measures 21 inches long. It was a fast labor but both Grandmas and Noah were here to welcome Ezra Mylo to the family.

Thank you for your blessings. It was wonderful to feel your support.

Love,

Abby, Matthew, Noah and Ezra

39 Weeks

Almost there! Feeling at peace with these last few days of pregnancy and getting really excited to meet the wee one.

PS. Noah was born at 39 weeks, 2 days...I'm now at 39 and 1...

"I'm The Leader!"

This is one of Noah's common phrases these days, whether we are heading downstairs in the morning or walking in the woods with Chula Dog (who does not cede her leadership to the toddler tyrant). And lately, I've been feeling like my kid is the leader of my days, for better or worse.

I find myself struggling with some of his firm desires (needs?) lately because they feel very much at odds with my own. For many months now, we've hung out on the lawn after preschool-a great chance for me to talk with other mamas and an opportunity for him to free-play with a wider age range of kids than are in his classroom. Recently, he's been adamant about wanting to go home and not play. I've gently offered a few possibilities and made reasonable concessions ("We can sit together on the grass and finish your lunch while Mama talks with her friends, you could see if M. wants to play chase with you, we'll hang out for just 5 minutes and then go") and he's been very clear that he doesn't want to be there, to the point of tears. Yeah, well what about my desire to socialize?

When I ask him about this later in the day, not in the heat of the moment, he tells me "Sometimes I just want to be alone." Oh!- Of course I can relate to that...I often I feel the same way. After 3.5 hours with 7 other kids and a couple of adults, the kid has had his fill of socializing. I think I need to honor that and get my socializing fix in some other way.

A few days ago, we headed out to Hillsborough for what was going to be a short hike on some pretty land. I have been feeling this rush of exploratory energy in the days before the new one arrives and I want to see the cities and towns around Durham, before it's "too late" (or too cumbersome to manage with 2 children). Noah fell asleep on the drive out there, a very unusual happening since he rarely naps in the afternoons any more. When he woke up 40 minutes later, I was chirpy about the upcoming hike, getting his warm clothes on and moving us toward the trailhead. He, on the other hand, was very emotional, upset, and totally resistant to the idea of moving anywhere.

We are at a point in our relationship where I can no longer physically "insist" Noah do something he doesn't want to do.  I'm 9 months pregnant, sure, but he's a 3 year old in a 4 year old body. "Making" him do something against his will would require significant force and it feels wrong to interact in this way. This means I have to use those higher level skills of verbal persuasion, and while I'm getting more skilled, voice requests alone can be very ineffective with Noah right now. And it's so frustrating! There was nothing I could do short of trying to haul a 40 lb, crying kiddo for a mile, with the hope that he'd get happy and join in willingly. We turned around and drove home. I haven't had such a failure of an outing since he was an infant, when his lack of a sleep schedule meant he fell asleep every time I tried to get out of the house. This feeling of being misattuned and thwarted on such a regular basis does remind me of the infant stage a bit (and might well be preparing me for the frustrations of newborn care).

Why won't my kid just do what I want him to do?! (joking a little here). Oh, he's becoming his own person? He feels safe to explore his own interests and desires independent of me? I'm being challenged to learn new ways to explore conflict? Sounds fun. When does the individuation "stage" end again?

Baby Angst (1 week old)

Doubts

 As the woman on my meditation track likes to say, in an annoyingly-annunciated, breathy sort of way, "Pregnancy is a time of very. heightened. awareness." I've been walking in a cloud of doubts the last few days. Not a great place to be and probably not the heightened awareness I should be striving for in these last few weeks of pregnancy, eh?

I believe the psychological term for what I'm doing is "catastrophizing." It's my usual planful self running amuck with the distant possibilities, all negative.

Any mistakes on the part of my mostly-super-but-occasionally-infallible mate become very big indicators of how he will fail me in the challenges of co-parenting two needy ones. Noah's amazingly theatrical tantrums of late become, in my own amazingly theatrical mind, a running sign of how he will regularly sabotage my efforts to meet the big needs of the newborn. I'm picturing constant torment and acrimony in our house. My body's increased "failure" to sleep over the last few weeks is a warm-up to the sleep deprivation awaiting me when the baby arrives. The pain of an earache felt surprisingly unmanageable last week-clearly an indicator that labor may be too big a challenge this time. While we've made many good friends in our first year in Durham, how can they ever be as supportive as our Austin network was in that needy time post-partum?

I don't remember feeling any of this worry and doubt in the last few weeks of my pregnancy with Noah. I was too ignorant (ahem, blissfully so) to even comprehend the specific challenges of birth and newborn parenting. Instead, I was eager, fresh-faced and excited on all levels-spiritual, emotional and physical-to meet my baby. It's time to get to that place again, cuz they tell me 37 weeks is full term!

I've experienced these "crises of confidence" right before other times in my life when I've needed to buck up strength and find a way through a big challenge. Acknowledging the specific fears and asking for encouragement and support can help push me through what's scary and difficult. I welcome your words or thoughts of encouragement and support!

32 weeks

 I'm actually at 34 weeks now but there's always a little lag time in photo taking and blog posting.

My wardrobe now consists almost exclusively of dresses over leggings because my actual maternity tops and maternity pants fail to cover my entire belly. It's big, people.

And because I'm nice like that, I'm not going to post a photo of the varicose veins spidering all over the back of my right leg. Even I want to scrub my eyes after I see that!

Won't be long now...